The hike

It’s that time of year where you want to still leave your window open at night, but wake up chilled searching for the covers. You can hear the faint sound of Canadian geese through your open window as they fly their way south. That sound jolts you into the realization that Indian summer is over and its now fall. The magnificence of nature- at its most visually and audibly appealing. An array of colours burst all around you, making your eyes dance with wonder as they drink in the golds, auburns, reds, greens, oranges and browns. The crackling of leaves under your feet as you move slowly through the picturesque landscape that is autumn.

It’s these days that change is the most evident. The trees are changing their outer surface as their interior is in preparation for the long cold winter ahead. It is also these days that make me appreciate walking through the forest. I think they are the perfect hiking days – not too hot, just right! I can commune with nature in theory or maybe just an aspiration. So that’s what I did, I went for a hike with the ambition of taking as many pictures of the forest as I possibly could so that I could capture a glimpse of the beauty of nature on film. That way when my mind’s eye was dying, I’d have the photograph to help me remember.

So that was the plan! We headed out with water and a camera for a two hour hike. Within the first 20 minutes on the trail we veered off onto a smaller path, not very worn and with lots of jutting rocks and mud. This turned out to an hour and a half detour – originally, the hike was supposed to be 40 minutes. After traipsing through mud and underbrush we made it back onto the planned hiking path. My detour eventually brought us back!

At the end was a big boulder. The rock was dumped in the middle of the forest completely out of place. But when I climbed the beast and perched myself on top, there was a phenomenal panoramic view of the forest stretching out below. Everything I had originally wanted to see was right in front of me and it was worth the wait. The chore of wadding through mud, twisting my ankle on rocks was insignificant compared to the reward of being able to look upon autumn in all its glory. Sometimes the hike is worth it just for the ending.

The unspoken truth

I stared listlessly out the passenger seat window, as my friend jabbered on: “What a cool thing, this life growing inside you!”

I wanted to jump out the window. I didn’t know exactly how I felt about it, I did know I wanted her to shut up. Instead, I sat and stared wishing a void would open up and swallow me whole.

Ten minutes she pulled up in front of my dilapidated rental home I shared with 3 other girls. I half-heartedly hugged her good-bye and promptly jumped out the car. I walked into the dark dingy house – my only solace and protection from the outside world. Ignored my roommates sitting in the living room – no “hello, I’m home”—I couldn’t face cordialities, snuck up to my cold damp room, locked the door and crawled under the bed sheets. I loved this bed. It fit my purposes perfectly, big fluffy down pillows and comforter. It was perfect for cocooning in, hiding from the outside world.

I lied there wishing if it were possible for me to be invisible, or at least unnoticeable. I almost succeed because the only attention I got was that people noticed I was hiding and detached. I was detached. My body felt as if it were in another space and time, a separate entity entirely from my being. At times, I felt as if I was hovering over myself, looking down upon my body willing it to move. But it would not respond it would just lie there balled up, with a confused and pained look in the eyes.

Now this boy is gone, but in his place is the memory. He saw me through, my numb presence was breathed life through the simple act of him being around. He was the only reason I left my bed – not even the responsibility of going to work got me up.

We both helped each other, or at least it’s my belief. He was lonely – it would not have crossed my mind why, but my warmed body cuddled beside him, it comforted him. He would sneak up behind me, his paws cunningly extending and pulling me against him.

It more than comforted me. An alien had inhabited my body, detaching the vessel from my soul. It was a little pain in the ass. I had once whispered that out loud: “You are just like your mother, irritating.” When I spoke those words, they were certainly not mine because this inconvenience was not of me.

Yet, the act of being with him even seemed to quench the constant nausea – that and all the peppermint Mentos he used to buy me. He may never know he was my saving grace. The cuddles gave me comfort, the act of touching him almost made me feel pseudo human. If it were not for his presence, I really don’t know how I would have made it through. The thought of maiming my detached body never occurred to me, but was it because of him or for the simple fact that my mind could not process anything. Either way he never failed me – the solid existence in my life. He was my stability at a time when everything seemed unexplainable and chaotic.

After two months of the alien’s presence, it was sucked out of me. Probing tubes and bright lights took it back to where it was supposed to be – to the realm of non-existence. All that was left was relief. I felt relief. I felt.

Belief

Every road that I’ve been down, every truth that I have found
The only thing that I can believe in is me
The only thing I can trust is me
It makes sense to believe in me
Cause when the world around me crumbles, I can pick myself up from the rubble. I will stand.
Wipe my tear stained face, wipe the dust off my knees and hands
On my own two feet I will stand

When the world has got you disappointed and disillusioned
Look at your shadow, its real
Because you can feel!
All the heart-ache, the anxiety, the happiness
Its those feelings that make you real
They make you alive
So when you can’t believe in anything, believe in yourself

Believe that you will love
That you will achieve in kind
In every road you go down, make the only truth you find
Is your belief in yourself
When you believe that, you will love enough to love me too